Calling Card

I called you up to tell you I was bleeding.
I called you up to tell you I did this hideous thing.
I called you up to tell you that I did something that went against the source

I called you up to tell you that I did what I thought was best

I called you up to tell you that I was tired
I called you up to tell you I used my better judgment against my better judgment

I called you up to ask if you could do anything to help me
I called you up to ask if you had a different perspective
I called you up to ask if you could tell me what could dissolve this despair
I called you up to ask if you understood
I called you up to ask if you could sit with me a while
I called you up to ask if you changed your mind about changing your mind

I didn’t call you up because it was too late
I didn’t call you up because I didn’t want you to see me like this
I didn’t call you up because I didn’t think you really wanted to know
I didn’t call you up because I didn’t think you would accept what happened
I didn’t call you up because this isn’t the person you loved
I didn’t call you up because it wouldn’t change anything

I didn’t call you up because it would change everything
I didn’t call you up because I wanted to be the person that you loved
I didn’t call you up because you didn’t accept what had happened
I didn’t call you up because you didn’t want to know

I didn’t call you up because I didn’t want it to be you who found me

I didn’t call you up because it was too late.

Convenience

I am the convenience queen
Invisible when there are interesting options
That suit another purpose –
I am there when you come down
I can be used as your object of awkwardness.

I am the convenience queen
Invisible when there are cool people just out of reach
That match your aspirations –
I am there when you feel awkward
And am there if you feel down.

I am the convenience queen
Invisible when I am incurring costs
That you would normally have met alone –
I am easily checked and balanced
With a token of appreciation.

I am the convenience queen
Invisible when your timetable takes precedence
That is more important than a singular day or meaning –
I am able to be put off, delayed, overwritten
For all those things that are more important.

I am inconvenient when asking.
I am invisible.
I am not on your networking profiles.
I am recognisable in backgrounds.
I am not granted credit.